Ok first, I had not seen that last picture of you and the family and it made me gasp. So pretty. Second, I probably could have summed up my list of what worked in 2024 with this: Ashlee Gadd was my best friend again and put up with me for another whole year. The end.
Thank you for sharing the good bits along with the not-so-good bits. This was inspiring to read and I’m going to attempt to write a recap of my own!
My husband and I have had to work out Some Stuff and one thing that helped was writing questions for each other, switching papers & writing our answers, and switching back to read them. It was shocking how much we weren’t saying. Over time we were able to ditch the papers and talk more. Praying for your sweet marriage and family & thank you again for writing this!
1. I've sleep anxiety for over a decade and there's basically no cure. I drink the magnesium and I do the essential oils but I think they work more as a placebo than actual help. Sometimes I sleep through the night and sometimes I don't. The best thing I've done is to just accept it and the kids will often wake up to find me sleeping on the sofa, a chair, etc. because I just wander and try to find a good place to sleep. (This is why I'm a sleep train dictator with my babies. They HAVE to sleep through the night because I do not. lol)
2. We tried the counseling and it did not work for us. Turns out, we just needed date nights. Not trying to minimize what you guys are going through, but sometimes I think we over-think the need for counseling and it's almost better to do a guided workbook on our own, date nights without kids, a marriage weekend, etc. But just know you're not alone to know that after two counselors you don't feel any better off. Neither do we, and we went through 4.
3. Your substack is my favorite and I think this is the first time I'm posting a note on anything I read. I hope you feel honored. :)
Caitlin I do feel honored 🤣 Thank you for reading and weighing in! I love what you said about simply accepting that sometimes we sleep well and sometimes we don’t 🫠 I think a certain level of surrender would be quite healthy for me, actually. And yes to date nights — that is definitely something Brett and I have struggled with, like actively making time for one another/our marriage. We are committed to prioritizing this in 2025!
Okay, THANK YOU for normalizing being a minimalist when it comes to extracurricular activities. I didn't know I needed that guttural ME TOO, but I did. And, it does work. It's wonderful, if not rare. Second, I know this is not an essay where you're asking for advice but YES marriage counseling is hard and finding a counselor who well, works is harder. Have you read The Seven Principles for Making Marriage work? I feel like it's counseling in a book, and it's practical. It's what all the therapists are reading and using 😉 and could be so 'fun' doing it with your husband. Anyways, you put a lot of words to some things for me with your words and I'm grateful!
I love this list! Now it’s making me think about my own… I am sorry sleep and counseling have been so hard! I’m a therapist (and have been in couples therapy with my husband) and I can tell you, couples counseling is hard and it is something where you don’t always feel like you’re getting a lot out of it especially if you’re a relatively healthy couple. Emotion focused couples therapy is one of the best modalities if your underlying issues relate to emotional connection; Gottman is great if you struggle with conflict and want to improve your friendship. And you can always do telehealth if the drive is a struggle! I hope you find the right fit for you and Brett!
My friend who is studying to become a counselor has said great things about Gottman resources, thankful for another nudge to pick up one of those books!
Yes, Gottman’s books are great! he also has Gottman marriage therapy which some therapists (like me!) are trained in. So that’s another therapy option too!
Thank you for sharing all these things, both the good and the hard.
So sorry to hear about your insomnia. It is truly frustrating to wake up and not feel rested more often than not.
Humbly offering what helped me through a long, dark time of persistent insomnia: after also trying alllll of the things with no improvement, I ended up talking to my PCP about it and got a referral to sleep medicine. A whole medical specialty related to sleep 🤯. I met with both an MD and psychologist to do a deep dive into everything (blood work, thoughts, habits, etc) and eventually did CBT-I (cognitive behavior therapy insomnia).
Aside from my usual premenstrual insomnia, I feel like it helped improve my sleep a lot of over time.
Sleep has been such a consistent prayer request in my life the last few years and I pray 2025 will be more restful for you 🙏🏼
Hey Ashlee, I came here to say this - I've used this a lot with clients with entrenched insomnia and it's worked well. There's a free app called CBT-i Coach that is developed by US Dept of Veterans Affairs. They use it for vets with co-occuring PTSD and insomnia.
It's a free app and I used to work through it with my clients. It's got some psycho-education about what maintains insomnia and steps on how to break the cycle. It has good evidence behind it even though it looks a bit Windows 95-ish.
Worth noting too that sleep deprivation has been used as a torture method! If you weren't depressed before long term sleep deprivation, it can certainly cause it!! But the steps are simple. Hope this helps 💛
PS. The Gottman's used their book as a control group compared to people in traditional couples therapy and the control group - couples who literally just read the book 7 principles for making marriage work and did the steps - did better than those in mainstream therapy. It's evidence based and common sense. 😘
I was going to mention CBT-I as well! And meditation which I’m sure you’ve tried. But the apps (headspace, balance, calm) all have sleeping meditations that really help me.
Right there with you on so many of these! We are also an extracurricular minimalist family and yes, it absolutely feels countercultural! The sleep, the counseling (for me)… same, same. Also, I had a great regime that was helping so much with the migraines that plague me, and lately it has not been working. Like you, I’m planning a big checkup early in the new year. It’s been a long time (…5 years 😬) since I had general checkup, so it’s time. Hoping and praying we both get a fresh burst of energy in 2025.
Oh I’m so sad about the magazine! When the delivery was later than expected I was afraid there was some high stress issues going on. Thank you much for your blood sweat and tears because I treasure them both so much!
This is such a wonderful exercise to reflect. I may do my own in the days ahead! fwiw, the newest C+C magazine accompanied me through my holiday travels and I was very grateful for your work on it. Blessings to you in the new year, Ashlee 💗
I love this recap!! I just bought your book on kindle for kickstarting my 50 book goal for the new year and I'm pumped! Been feeling in a rut of creativity recently as I wade through motherhood and soon a new baby with medical complications so it's just time to get inspired and encouraged by your words! 🤍
May not be the same for you, but my sleep issues have been largely resolved by changing my diet (after years of trying absolutely everything else). For me, gluten consumption is the source of my physiological anxiety/neurological/sleep issues. I hope you find your way to restful sleep again.
Right there with you on the sleep thing; it feels like it's getting worse with the seasons (too hot to sleep in the summer, spring-allergies kill me, etc).
Ok first, I had not seen that last picture of you and the family and it made me gasp. So pretty. Second, I probably could have summed up my list of what worked in 2024 with this: Ashlee Gadd was my best friend again and put up with me for another whole year. The end.
Love you.
My life would suck without you ❤️ Let the Charleston countdown begin! Should we make paper chains?!!
Thank you for sharing the good bits along with the not-so-good bits. This was inspiring to read and I’m going to attempt to write a recap of my own!
My husband and I have had to work out Some Stuff and one thing that helped was writing questions for each other, switching papers & writing our answers, and switching back to read them. It was shocking how much we weren’t saying. Over time we were able to ditch the papers and talk more. Praying for your sweet marriage and family & thank you again for writing this!
Oh I love that.
1. I've sleep anxiety for over a decade and there's basically no cure. I drink the magnesium and I do the essential oils but I think they work more as a placebo than actual help. Sometimes I sleep through the night and sometimes I don't. The best thing I've done is to just accept it and the kids will often wake up to find me sleeping on the sofa, a chair, etc. because I just wander and try to find a good place to sleep. (This is why I'm a sleep train dictator with my babies. They HAVE to sleep through the night because I do not. lol)
2. We tried the counseling and it did not work for us. Turns out, we just needed date nights. Not trying to minimize what you guys are going through, but sometimes I think we over-think the need for counseling and it's almost better to do a guided workbook on our own, date nights without kids, a marriage weekend, etc. But just know you're not alone to know that after two counselors you don't feel any better off. Neither do we, and we went through 4.
3. Your substack is my favorite and I think this is the first time I'm posting a note on anything I read. I hope you feel honored. :)
Caitlin I do feel honored 🤣 Thank you for reading and weighing in! I love what you said about simply accepting that sometimes we sleep well and sometimes we don’t 🫠 I think a certain level of surrender would be quite healthy for me, actually. And yes to date nights — that is definitely something Brett and I have struggled with, like actively making time for one another/our marriage. We are committed to prioritizing this in 2025!
Okay, THANK YOU for normalizing being a minimalist when it comes to extracurricular activities. I didn't know I needed that guttural ME TOO, but I did. And, it does work. It's wonderful, if not rare. Second, I know this is not an essay where you're asking for advice but YES marriage counseling is hard and finding a counselor who well, works is harder. Have you read The Seven Principles for Making Marriage work? I feel like it's counseling in a book, and it's practical. It's what all the therapists are reading and using 😉 and could be so 'fun' doing it with your husband. Anyways, you put a lot of words to some things for me with your words and I'm grateful!
I have heard great things about this book! 2025 will be the year we buy and read it 😜
Your vulnerability is a gift ❤️
I love this list! Now it’s making me think about my own… I am sorry sleep and counseling have been so hard! I’m a therapist (and have been in couples therapy with my husband) and I can tell you, couples counseling is hard and it is something where you don’t always feel like you’re getting a lot out of it especially if you’re a relatively healthy couple. Emotion focused couples therapy is one of the best modalities if your underlying issues relate to emotional connection; Gottman is great if you struggle with conflict and want to improve your friendship. And you can always do telehealth if the drive is a struggle! I hope you find the right fit for you and Brett!
My friend who is studying to become a counselor has said great things about Gottman resources, thankful for another nudge to pick up one of those books!
Yes, Gottman’s books are great! he also has Gottman marriage therapy which some therapists (like me!) are trained in. So that’s another therapy option too!
Thank you for sharing all these things, both the good and the hard.
So sorry to hear about your insomnia. It is truly frustrating to wake up and not feel rested more often than not.
Humbly offering what helped me through a long, dark time of persistent insomnia: after also trying alllll of the things with no improvement, I ended up talking to my PCP about it and got a referral to sleep medicine. A whole medical specialty related to sleep 🤯. I met with both an MD and psychologist to do a deep dive into everything (blood work, thoughts, habits, etc) and eventually did CBT-I (cognitive behavior therapy insomnia).
Aside from my usual premenstrual insomnia, I feel like it helped improve my sleep a lot of over time.
Sleep has been such a consistent prayer request in my life the last few years and I pray 2025 will be more restful for you 🙏🏼
I keep hearing about this (CBT-I) - need to look into it!
Hey Ashlee, I came here to say this - I've used this a lot with clients with entrenched insomnia and it's worked well. There's a free app called CBT-i Coach that is developed by US Dept of Veterans Affairs. They use it for vets with co-occuring PTSD and insomnia.
It's a free app and I used to work through it with my clients. It's got some psycho-education about what maintains insomnia and steps on how to break the cycle. It has good evidence behind it even though it looks a bit Windows 95-ish.
Worth noting too that sleep deprivation has been used as a torture method! If you weren't depressed before long term sleep deprivation, it can certainly cause it!! But the steps are simple. Hope this helps 💛
PS. The Gottman's used their book as a control group compared to people in traditional couples therapy and the control group - couples who literally just read the book 7 principles for making marriage work and did the steps - did better than those in mainstream therapy. It's evidence based and common sense. 😘
I was going to mention CBT-I as well! And meditation which I’m sure you’ve tried. But the apps (headspace, balance, calm) all have sleeping meditations that really help me.
Right there with you on so many of these! We are also an extracurricular minimalist family and yes, it absolutely feels countercultural! The sleep, the counseling (for me)… same, same. Also, I had a great regime that was helping so much with the migraines that plague me, and lately it has not been working. Like you, I’m planning a big checkup early in the new year. It’s been a long time (…5 years 😬) since I had general checkup, so it’s time. Hoping and praying we both get a fresh burst of energy in 2025.
Also, I laugh every time I think about the night in Hamburg. I felt like I’d met my sleep twin. 😂😭😂
Talk about taking our friendship to the next level ASAP 🤣
Extracurricular minimalists! I love this about you! It really is so counter-cultural, and I really appreciate seeing you live this out.
We are on our third marriage councilor of the year… and it’s finally the right fit. Keep trying ❤️❤️❤️
So glad you found someone! Third time’s the charm 😜
Oh I’m so sad about the magazine! When the delivery was later than expected I was afraid there was some high stress issues going on. Thank you much for your blood sweat and tears because I treasure them both so much!
That means so much to me, Jess. Thanks for your support!!
This is such a wonderful exercise to reflect. I may do my own in the days ahead! fwiw, the newest C+C magazine accompanied me through my holiday travels and I was very grateful for your work on it. Blessings to you in the new year, Ashlee 💗
That means so much to me, Erin. Thank you for buying and reading it! ❤️
A true, real, honest, life-giving reflection. Thank you Ashlee! I always love to read your words.
I love this recap!! I just bought your book on kindle for kickstarting my 50 book goal for the new year and I'm pumped! Been feeling in a rut of creativity recently as I wade through motherhood and soon a new baby with medical complications so it's just time to get inspired and encouraged by your words! 🤍
Ahhh thank you, Talitha! I hope it encourages you!! ❤️
May not be the same for you, but my sleep issues have been largely resolved by changing my diet (after years of trying absolutely everything else). For me, gluten consumption is the source of my physiological anxiety/neurological/sleep issues. I hope you find your way to restful sleep again.
Oh how interesting! I haven’t thought to do an elimination diet and see if that changes anything - might need to explore that in 2025
Right there with you on the sleep thing; it feels like it's getting worse with the seasons (too hot to sleep in the summer, spring-allergies kill me, etc).